My responses to one of those emails that gets passed around from time to time. Some answers are serious. Some.

Can you cry under water? Yes, but you shouldn’t laugh. Actually, you can do both if you wear scuba gear.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? The question is really how socially important. Assassination is of socially important people, usually for political reasons. My opinion is that, now days, a person must be considered of at least national importance. No one says “the mayor was assassinated”.

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”. . . but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to? Nowhere. People’s opinions of their own thoughts (my two cents worth) is always more highly valued than others’ thoughts (penny for your thoughts).

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? No. You swap with others. It’s the only fun in heaven.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Um, ever try to design a round box with a folding lid?

What disease did cured ham actually have? Not a disease (the medical definition) but a defect to be remedied (the legal definition). The defect was that it was alive.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? I’ve been unable to determine the first appearance of luggage with wheels. Possibly there are some pre-1969 examples that, like the first zippers, didn’t catch on at the time.

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours? “Slept like the dead”. The inverse question, since the dead don’t awake.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Yes, the but bailiff doesn’t call out “Hear ye, hear ye!”

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV? “On” is a funny word to use, isn’t it? Okay, here’s a brief possible history. You were “in” a painting, therefore in a photograph or picture, and thus in a moving picture. But, you were on stage, on radio, and so on television. You can also be caught on film.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Because ant-sized people are funny, but women’s breasts are still sexy from above.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway. It’s not my body I’m hiding, it’s my dirty underwear.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural? Brassiere, French “child’s jacket with sleeves”. Pantaloon, or pantaloons. It isn’t clear to me if these were of two separate pieces at that time. Ah, fashion!

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Because indecent people also buy toasters.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Well, this is presumptuous! Jimmy cracks corn and I don’t care. That doesn’t mean no one cares. In fact, the master would probably care a great deal if he hadn’t gone away.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? Only if the deceased was a champion swimmer.

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat? It appears that he didn’t build a radio. He used coconuts as part of a device to regenerate power for their transistor radio. I don’t know what episode this appears in.

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Because in Indonesia, that’s the historical sign for wanting to fuck. Interestingly, in Greenland, if you point at your wrist, the other person will check your pulse to be sure you’re not dead.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs! I’m amazed that no one knows this. Goofy comes from the future, when dogs have evolved into sophisticated, albeit clumsy and funloving, animals. In that future, astronaut Charlie Callas walks along a beach and finds a Big Boy statue partially buried in the sand. (I believe Pluto doesn’t talk either, whereas Goofy does.)

If Wiley[sic] E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner? He wanted to eat Road Runner, and no one else could catch him either, so he wasn’t available on any menus.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Babies. Truly. All baby oil comes from Cuba, where the tykes have their skin scraped on the thighs of hot, lusty women.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Only when it’s the “moral majority”

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Yes, apparently composed by Bouin in 1761, then used in some piano variations by Mozart in 1781. The poem “Twinkle, Twinkle” was published in 1806. The alphabet was invented in 1974, by Barry Manilow, who, ironically, couldn’t think of a good tune for it. Prior to Manilow’s invention of the alphabet, all words appeared spontaneously, just like pop music stars.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Because I’ve had “Mary Had A Little Lamb” stuck in my head for the last week!

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt? -oid, suffix, “resembling; having the appearance of; related to” So, having the appearance of hemorrhaging.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? Simple. The sensation is the same, the dog thinks it’s looking out a car window, and your big ugly face is coming at him at 60mph.

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place? I’ll bet you’re wondering the same thing.